Whats it like being a keeping up with the joneses baby? Whats it like not knowing who your real dad is? What it like to live under years of abuse and start to make it out the other side? This is my story.
I have have been told since an early age that I was an unwanted child. My mother had always told me I was the biggest mistake she ever made. You see my mom had to always be the center of attention. I believe this was because at an early age she had been in a very life altering accident. This accident drew a large amount of attention to her and she expected the attention. This accident my mother had made my mother prone to seizures and during these seizures she would either be completely out of it or would saw random things. One of the earliest things she said to me during one of her episodes was, "I do not even know where you came from."
At first when she would say these things to me I just let it go thinking it was nothing but talk from her seizure. Over the years they became more and more constant. Now as an adult thinking back those half coherent phrases make more sense. As a child I was handed off a lot to my fathers or her family while we lived in Florida. After speaking to her mother when I was old enough to realize I was not a wanted child, My Grandma told me that she was sorry that I had to go through everything and that family had also offered to adopt me, including her and my Grandfather. At the time I was conceived my Aunt also conceived my cousin and that my mom seemed jealous that my Aunt was getting so much attention. I was the answer to bring back the attention as my mom's health had never been the best and now being pregnant she would need to have extra attention to her and her health.
I was told by many family members that once my mom got pregnant she acted like she wasn't unless she was around other people. Most new moms planned a nursery and started planning ahead. I was told that family members on my dad side had to point out doctors appointments, setting up a nursery and when she was overdoing it by walking miles to go do things. But when things were pointed out she would say oh pregnancy brain or blame it on her brain injury she had as a child. The truth was she did not want this pregnancy, she just wanted the attention she received from it.
When my Mom was in her third trimester with me she had been told she needed to slow down and she could not keep walking the long distances to work. My mother ignored the Doctor and family and I arrived a month early. In a way my early arrival was a blessing because if not, I and many others were not sure if my mom was trying to cause a late term miscarriage.
Now remember the following information was given to me by a handful of family members that were around at the time and some of this was very much received during fights and me being nosey and eavesdropping growing up. My mom claims that she was perfectly fine and I was born early due to indigestion. I was born at a little over five pounds and I was healthy and released from the hospital a few days later. After I was born my mom allowed everyone over and a lot of my family that visited would take care of me so my mom could rest.
When my Grandma Rose and Grandpa Frank(My moms mom and step dad) came down to meet me my Grandma said I was born with a tan. I also had a head full of curls. The curls didn't bother her but as she had known my dad and aunt since they were little she did question the fact of the darker skin color as they were both fair skinned children and teens. She did let it go as my mom became very agitated when she mentioned it and my dad joked it was the Italian in me. However it was questioned again after both my sister and brother were born and they were whiter than white babies.
The fact that I was born early and healthy did have my Grandma asking questions but my mom always said, "We should just be grateful she is healthy and leave it at that."
Now I do know my Grandma and Grandpa stayed with my parents for a while so my Grandma could help with me as my mom wanted to go back to work as soon as possible. So after a few weeks my Mom went back to work and my Grandparents would watch me. When my Grandparents went back home I was shuffled to my great aunts and uncles home. Which was fine because I adored my great aunt and uncle and my great Grandma lived with them on and off and she was a legend in my eyes. She was from Sicily and took no garbage from anyone.
I was told by both my Great Aunt and Grandma's my paternity was questioned but my mom deflected a lot of the questions. But after that the subject was dropped. Back in the 70's paternity tests were not as common and only something people with money did. I do know growing up while my parents was working I was babysat a lot by my Great Aunt and Uncle and cousins unless my Grandma came to Florida to visit from New Jersey. Mom's side of the family did not question what was happening. However, I will say for years even though those people may have questioned who my Dad is, they used to make me into the black sheep because they said I was just like him. Whatever they want to say to make them sleep better at night. The opposite was true for my Dads side of the family. They may have questioned if I was his, but they were good to me and treated me like I belonged.
As I grew up I realized once my sister was born that I was second place to my Mom. Everything was about my sister. We had to share a room and okay I get it but my Mom stuck my toys in the basement because my sister needed so much room. My Grandpa was never fond of it and I was not either. Not because I had to play in the basement, but because the basement was haunted. Yes I said it haunted by a ghost that lived in the furnace in the basement and my Grandpa told me a story when I was older about what happened when I faced off with the ghost at four years old.
