Surviving Him

I stood looking at all the people who were walking past and the cars speeding by. I was sitting on a bench in front of where I live. Moving here after he left had left me for his younger girlfriend and getting a house for her. Then he took my daughter with him because he had to maintain control. Him and his girlfriend didn't want her there, They just had to maintain control.  Then the rumors started. He had started telling everyone I was the one who cheated. I worked from home and never went out, But I was the one who was cheating apparently. He cheated on me constantly through our marriage but I was the one who ruined things. He was a fraud who pretended with everyone, however, behind closed doors his masked dropped and I was the one who suffered. When i finally started standing up for myself his narrative changed to I was crazy. Now he took my son and I was alone. I thought maybe if I just ended it the hurt would finally leave me I would be free. I stood up and gaged the cars. I started to step forward and a strong set of arms went around me and I heard, "Trust me that will not stop the pain."

He held me at arm's length looking at her with all the care and concern that one in this situation could. Then he asked her the one question that she had avoided since they had first met.

"What did he do to you to make you feel like you don't deserve life?"

She looked at him with tears in her eyes and said, "More than you will ever know."

He leads her to a bench and sat her down. He needed to know so he could help her. He looked at her and could almost see the darkness that enveloped her like a shroud.

"I want to help you. But to help you though I need to know the truth. You were married for over eighteen years and things are so bad you don't even want to exist. Please I am begging you tell me the story so I can help you."

"Do you really want to know all the baggage? You will think me weak and not worth it by the time you hear everything."

"Tell me please."

"Okay fine but don't say I didn't warn you," She said.

"Its funny when I met him I never would have thought that we would have ended up married with our babies. When I was in highschool I excelled in English. My English teacher asked me to tutor a student that was having a lot of trouble in her class. She told me it would be extra credit that would secure my A unless I bombed a test. So she set up the tutoring and I came in after school. She said he would be there soon so I just started doing my homework and waited. After a half an hour I went to get on my cloths for winter flag core because we had practice before marching band practice. I came back finished my homework and looked at the clock. I looked at my teacher and apologized that I couldn't wait anymore. I went to leave the classroom and was hit by a bus. Well it wasn't a bus but him. Thanked god I had changed because the skirt I was wearing would have been an embarrassing situation . I stood up and walked out and he stood up and went to the teachers desk."

"Not even a I'm sorry."

"Nope. I heard him tell our teacher that he lost track of time. She said his tutor left for the day. When he asked who it was she said that young lady you just pushed down. I kept walking going to my locker. When he finally caught up I was putting my stuff away. I felt bad because his work sucked so I gave him another chance making it clear either he shows up on time or get a new tutor.  Funny thing is after all this time unless it means something to him he is always late. Kids school, my work or appointments that are important to the rest of us but not him. It doesn't matter the time he is always late. That's why people started telling him a earlier time to get him to meet him on time."

"Why is he like that?"

"To be honest? To make himself feel important I guess." 

"Wow he is a real piece of work. Has he ever got better over the years?" He asked.

"Nah to be honest except for his job he is still late to everything. He has lost a lot of people in his life due to the way he is," I said.

"What changed?" He asked.

"We became friends. There was a crush on both our ends but it was never the right time for either of us. I dated my oldest daughter's father and got pregnant and then he met his first wife and they were forced into getting married when her Grandma caught them together. He went and got married and I was with my ex. After he divorced his ex-wife we started a relationship. He was good to my daughter A and acted like he cared."

"You had a handful of kid with him," He said.

I laughed and said, "Your right. My kids are the best part of the marriage."

After we got together I got pregnant with our daughter J. He was so excited to be a first time dad but before hand I should have seen the signs he was not ready to be a husband, father or family man."

When we got home from the hospital the first night after having J it was also Christmas Eve. I had to take care of J after a lengthy labor, Put our A to bed and then get the Christmas gifts out and get them under the Christmas tree. What was he doing during this time? Playing video games. Then when the J woke up he was like well aren't you going to pick her up and change her diaper. After I changed and fed her she was awake for another hour. I looked at the clock and realized that A was going to be up in another three hours. He had went to bed already and I just dragged J cradle into the living room and laid on the couch and napped. Thankfully J slept a solid two hours and woke up to be fed and changed. I was still feeding J when my oldest woke up. I tried waking my ex so we could have presents and he slept. So I distracted A by telling her we were waiting for daddy and her auntie would be here soon. Thankfully my sister in law arrived about an hour later and had A help her make pancakes for breakfast. Then she went in to be a grinch and wake him up. 

I was so tired by then and my sister in law noticed and said, "Go take a shower and a nap I will bottle feed J so you can sleep."

My ex was so full of himself he said, "She doesn't need your help she is not that tired."

I do not know what was said because she laid J in the cradle and pushed me into the bed room. After my shower she came in with a plate of food and told me to hide and eat. She made sure that J was okay and was played with A. I woke up a few hours later and felt more awake. However, this was when the family arrived to visit and give gifts. After all the family left he made a comment that I didn't need help and I could do it on my own. Then he complained no one cooked dinner. I made him a ham sandwich and sides from the food our families had brought over and he threw a fit i didn't make a traditional Christmas dinner. I asked him when in the last few days I would have had a chance. He got mad and sat at the computer making a comment of if I really gave a shit about him and the kids I would have made the effort. My last day of work was on December 21. I went into labor on December 22 and was in the hospital till December 24th after giving birth. When J was born both sets of our parents said they would bring food to us as there was no way I could cook on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Even on Christmas Eve his sister came over after we got home with a bunch of take out. She brough Pizza, Chinese, Subs, and Burgers from McDonalds and a Family meal from KFC so we could eat and watch Christmas movies. There were even many leftovers from that. The night before she said she had talked to all the family and had them bringing us food on Christmas Day as she said there is no way that I would be able to cook with a newborn and just coming home. My parents brought us a whole pan of lasagna, a pan with ham and containers of sides. His mom brought a pan of turkey and all her sides as well as a bunch of finger foods. He was not wanting for food but he wanted to find something to complain about."

"I was very lucky the first week after J was born." I said. "My sister in law was off from college and she was a saint. She wanted me to rest and even told him he should get off his ass and help me."

He got mad and told her that I was to picky about the house and he didn't know where anything was. She reminded him not to gently that we just moved into the house two weeks ago and no one knew where anything was. She told him to man up and that I was not his made and he better get his ass off the computer and start helping me.

When J was sleeping I worked on a scarf for my sister in law as a thank you. She went to college in Tennessee and it was cold up there. I was always in the same room as my oldest and to be honest when I was healing my daughter and I did a lot of tv watching as well as games and reading. At night when he went to bed and I was up cleaning as much as I could. I would rest at the computer and  I found survey sites where I could earn extra money and gift cards to stores. I signed up for a PayPal account to have money go into and a Wal-Mart account I could add the gift cards to. I put the account information into my passwords book and hid the information and did not save it as I did not want him to know about it. I figured I could earn extra money in case I wanted something because he was getting very annoyed if I asked him for anything for me. Right before my maternity leave was up I had joked you might want to practice changing diapers because you will have to do that when I go back to work. I had arranged with my job to work around his days off as he worked four 10 hour days. 

He was angry I was going back to work and I reminded him that we needed the income. Then A became sick. My mother in law was a CNA and said I needed to take her to the Doctor immediately. We found out she had scarlet fever. My mother in law took A to her house so her and my father in law could take care of her and not get J sick. The following week J ended up with a unrelated bacterial infection and had to be admitted to the hospital for a week. He still had to work and threw a fit that I asked he bring me up clothes. His Mom ended packing me a bag with everything I needed and a few books so I could take care of J at the hospital. She also drove me to my job so I could submit the medical leave paperwork. J was in the hospital for over a week as the Doctors and nurses tried to get rid of the infection she had and bring her fever down.

The whole time J was in the hospital, he showed up maybe 4 hours. I was so tired by the time we were discharged because I did everything for her when she was in there. If the pediatric ward was slow a nurse would come in and watch over J so I could shower and nap. But she was was fussy and wanted me most of the time. I sat in the chair and the nurse bought me a second that I could put my feet up in. She understood the bed in the room was not comfortable. When J was finally discharged he made a big deal about stopping at Walmart and needing to get a game he wanted. I do not get why he did not just go when I was not at home because his mom had A. Later on I realized that it was his way to control the situation. 

Once we were home I realized he had to have had someone here why I was at the hospital with J. I did not want to push the subject because I was tired and needed real rest. J's crib was in our room and I laid her down when she fell sleep and I took a nap. I woke up when I heard J fussing and saw he was engrossed on his computer. As I made J a bottle and fed her he asked what is for dinner. Looking at him I told him something easy as I am tired and had to go food shopping soon. Looking in the cabinet and freezer I told him I was going to make a basic spaghetti. He said fine whatever. When I finished getting J fed and ready for sleep I went into the kitchen and realized he was not home. I went outside and his car was gone. While he was gone I made A some spaghetti o's and jumped into the shower.gt When I came out he was sitting at his computer eating checkers. I said I thought I was cooking dinner and he said, No I did not want that so I went out and got me food. 

Looking at him I asked if he got me anything and he said, No why would I.

Walking away he said I should have told him I wanted something. I replied you never told me you were going out and you should have maybe thought of me as I was in taking care of our child. I went and made a bowl of cereal and he threw a fit later I did not cook. When I pointed out he did not want it so I ate cereal for dinner he got angry and dumped out a full box of cereal on the ground and went to bed. I cleaned up the mess and fed J again. While he was sleeping I worked on a few surveys to earn some extra money then I went to bed.

The next morning A got up looking for cereal and settled on a quick oatmeal. Thankfully there is a small store at the corner of our road. I ran down and got some cereal for A. What my ex did not know was I was able to get us signed up for food stamps and since he throws his paystubs on my dresser I was able to get food stamps without him knowing so I didn't have to bed for money for groceries.